A Letter to You..

لا تسبوا الدهر فإن الله هو الدهر. أخرجه الإمام مسلم في صحيحه عن أبي هريرة

1^st day of 2012,

I’ve wanted to write a letter to 2011 for a while now, it may sound like me speaking to a real person which is wrong. But here goes,

This time last year, my sister never had cancer, my father didn’t need a walking stick, my grandma didn’t enter the ICU for a week, and my cousin Ammar was still alive..

This time last year, I didn’t know that my sister is my best friend. I didn’t know that your real friends are the ones who are there for you in hard times like these. I didn’t know that it doesn’t have to take a near death experience sometimes to help you appreciate what and who you have when you have them.

This time last year I didn’t know it was possible for a person to swallow their whole pride and selfishness, and pretend to be strong because you are needed to be strong for the ones who you love and care for.

This time last year I used to believe less in the whole optimistic thinking, I never thought that things –in GOD’s will- do actually get better, and easier. I did not know that GOD won’t make us go through what we can’t handle. 

لا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ رَبَّنَا لا تُؤَاخِذْنَا إِنْ نَسِينَا أَوْ أَخْطَأْنَا رَبَّنَا وَلا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَا إِصْرًا كَمَا حَمَلْتَهُ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِنْ قَبْلِنَا رَبَّنَا وَلا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِ وَاعْفُ عَنَّا وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا أَنْتَ مَوْلانَا فَانصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ

[البقرة:286]

This time last year, I never thought I would be capable of having so much love within me, to get and to give. I never thought I have this power of choosing what makes me happy. I never thought I had the courage of loving someone so much. I never thought I could ever learn to say no to whatever doesn’t make me happy.

This time last year, I didn’t love and respect my parents as much as I do now. I never realized how much I needed the people I love to feel good about me and to feel comfortable with me.

When my sister got sick, it was the end of the world to me, I thought this is it; this is what is going to end me. Selfish, but at first I didn’t realize that how much I felt it, was hard on me, it was 10 times more harder on her.

2011 taught me a lot, a fuckload of things that I never ever thought I could ever learn in one leap year. 

I respect more, I feel more, I love more, I read more, I pray more, I think more, I laugh more, I do more, I have more and I absolutely give more.

This time last year, saying that ‘I didn’t know myself’ is an understatement. I had no idea who am I. I had no idea what I wanted. I had no idea what priorities each day am I gonna set. Clueless.

This time last year I didn’t know how to speak French, I didn’t go to a nowhere place and had the time of my life. I never thought that such places would become my favorite places in the world.

2011, I love you, I hate you, I don't know you yet you are so familiar to me.

This time last year…

Maryam, over and out.